COMPUTER LAB

Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream 'Oh
my God! They've found me!' and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to your neighbor that you can't get
the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off
again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen
than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the Smurfs theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say 'Just
in case' mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy
while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then,
pull a disk out of your fly and say, 'Oops, I forgot.'
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
'Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,' and scream 'YES!' when it finishes.
DISK FIGHT!
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you
know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting
the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing 'The Lion Sleeps
Tonight' whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, and tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 inch disk drive, and when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling
Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days
later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a
while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, and look at the person next to
you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let
them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.
Take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your
neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and
loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them
of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this.
Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, then shout, 'you will all perish in flames!' and continue
working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key
is F sharp, etc.) Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire
paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying 'Excuse me, mind if I
borrow this for a sec?' unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old
ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see
that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't
affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: 'Does *your* delete key
work?' Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep
doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then,
suddenly exclaim: 'well, what do ya know? I've been hitting the space bar this
whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!' Print out your document and
leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)


Stare at the your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing,
and say 'You did that?' loudly. Keep laughing; grab your stuff and leave,
howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
'COVEEEEERRRRRR!' Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and
say. 'Oh, good, it worked this time,' and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out
you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend
it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't
work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
'You're such a marvel!' and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.
As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout 'Armageddon is here!' then calmly sit down
and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that
baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, 'Give me that computer
or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week.'
Two words: Tesla Coil. (Tesla Coil: an air-core transformer used to produce
high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.)