Bill Clinton Jokes... Welcome back Bill, Hillary, and Monica!

Bill Clinton Jokes:

Q. What's the difference between greeting a queen and greeting Bill Clinton?
A. You only have to get on one knee to greet the queen.

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed and said "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that a few times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empty cans, I cashed them in."

Q. How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A. The President after Bush.

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!"
He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."
Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,
"What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time.
"Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."
Bill goes back in a week and says,
"Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."

Q. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A. To keep his ankles warm.

Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

Q. What is Bill's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are opening up a hair salon together. What did they name it?
A. "Cut and Blow."

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds?
A. Government bonds will mature someday.

Don King was thinking about promoting a fight between Mike Tyson and Monica Lewinsky, but he called it off when Bill Clinton told him that Monica doesn't bite.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a scuba diver's wet suit?
A. The wet suit's hard to get off.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

Q. Why is Hillary standing by her man?
A. So she doesn't get her dress soiled.

While the Clintons were still in the Governor's Mansion in Arkansas, one night Chelsea came in to the bedroom and said, "Mommy, tell me a story please!" Hillary said, "It's 3:00 am, honey, can't you just go to bed?" Chelsea answered, "I tried, Mommy, but I can't sleep... please tell me a story."
Hillary thought for a moment and said, "OK, honey, I'll tell you what... You just jump up here in bed with me, and when your daddy finally gets home, we'll BOTH get to hear a story!"

Q. What's Bill Clinton's biggest fear?
A An intern with braces on her teeth.

Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms."
The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?"
"No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire right after he hit his 62nd home run?
A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.
He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."

Q. So how is Bill Clinton like Mark McGuire?
A. They both made headlines with their wacker.

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How did Bill describe sex with his wife?
A. "Close, but no cigar."

Q. What do Monica's dress and NASCAR have in common?
A. Both suffer from Dick Trickle.

Q. What is Bill Clinton's favorite sport?
A. Luinskiing.

Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have in her pocket?
A. A wad of Bills.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite flower?
A. (No, not Jennifer.)
A. Tulips

Q. How is Bill Clinton like an automatic teller machine?
A. They both shoot out little bills.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A: Hillary doesn't get caught.

Q. What's Bill and Hillary's LEAST favorite song?
A. "Devil With The Blue Dress On

Q. How is Bill Clinton like John McEnroe?
A. They both say it was out, but the judges say it was in.

Q. What is Clintons latest line of defence....?
A. Well, She didnt swallow !!!!!!!!

Q. How does Clinton keeps his beer cold when he is at a ball game?
A. He has Hillary hold it between her legs.

Q. What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a vacuum cleaner?
A. Where the dirt bag attaches.

Q. What do you call 8 straight days of oral sex?
A. Hanukah Lewinsky.

Q.Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer?
A.It's got a 6 inch hard drive, but no memory.

Q. Do you know what game they are playing at the Whitehouse?
A. Swallow the leader