Assorted Medical Jokes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in
the wrong one.


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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.


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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."


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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual
acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20
line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now
both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when
my husband was last alive."


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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how was
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."


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A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.