He waddles his way into the room before he manages to climb up onto the examination table. The room falls silent while the doctor reads through his file.
"So we did your blood work and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this...but you have a pretty bad weight problem."
The man sitting on the examination table looks at him with a face of confusion as silence fills the room. He finally answers "...you realize I know that, right? I've been overweight for years. You aren't telling me anything that I don't already know."
The doctor tosses the man's file onto his desk before cupping his hands over his mouth in momentary thought. "You don't seem to understand the *weight* of your situation so let me attempt to break this down for you. I have been in practice for almost 15 years and you are literally the fattest man who has ever walked into this office. You aren't just fat, you are at a level of obesity that I personally didn't even think was medically possible. The fact that you were able to walk into this office on your own strength alone is a miracle that would make Jesus Christ ask *How'd he do that?* and that guy walked on water.
When we did your blood work, your blood sugar level was at 500 which effectively makes you a brand of coffee sweetener. I couldn't even take your blood pressure with a normal pressure cuff because of how fat your arms are. I had to jerry-rig a cuff out of the spare tire of my Ford F150. Your cholesterol level came back as Land-O-Lakes. My goal is to try and get that to "I can't believe it's not butter" but even that's a long shot. Your blood was so thick and meaty that we received a call from the blood center asking us why we decided to send them a tube of Ragu to analyze. Are you following me on this or do you need me to give you some more examples?"
The room goes quiet again as the severely obese man stares at the doctor with a face that is beat red from anger.
"You know what? I didn't come in here to be insulted. I came here to get my medical results from someone who I thought was supposed to be helping me. You may think that you're trying to help me but what exactly are you accomplishing by being such a scumbag about it?"
The doctor goes silent for a moment before finally responding.
"I was gonna sugar coat it but I was concerned you might eat me."
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