A man is about to leave for a night out

A man was about to leave for a night out with his buddy.


"If you get drunk again," warned his wife, "I'll have your hide."


"Don't worry, honey." said the man, and was on his way.

The man and his buddy had a few beers when the man said "I need to quit drinking. I've had enough. I gotta be on my best behavior tonight."


His buddy tried to convince him to have another. "Come on," he said, "don't be a party pooper."


"You don't understand," said the man.  "My wife told me that if I got drunk she was going to kill me."

His friend persisted, so the man had a couple more beers.


"I really got to go," the man said. Again, his buddy convinced him to keep drinking until both men were drunk.


All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the man puked all over himself. "Awwww man!" he said, "Now she's going to know I was drunk. I'm going to be in so much trouble."


"Don't worry," said his buddy. "All you have to do is put a $20 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home just tell her that some drunk guy at the bar puked all over your shirt and gave you $20 to buy a new one."


"Brilliant!" said the man, and with that he ordered another round.


A few hours later he stumbled in the door. His wife was waiting for him, tapping her foot with her hands on her hips.


"You stinking good-for-nothing drunk!" she growled. "I knew it! You went out and got loaded!" And sniffing the air, she exclaimed "What's that smell? Did you puke on yourself?!?"


The man slurred as he replied. "No honey, I'm not drunk. You see, there was this guy at the bar who puked on my shirt! He gave me $20 to buy a new one. Look for yourself. It's right here in my pocket."


His wife reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out two crumpled $20 bills.


"There's $40 in here." she said.


"Oh right," he said.

"He shit my pants, too."