A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

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* Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.


* A Laywer is a person who prepares a 50,000-word document and calls it a brief.


* The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.


* The man who said "talk is cheap" never hired a lawyer.


* *Judge*: What is your name?
*Witness*: Abraham Liebowitz.
*Judge*: Are your married?
*Witness*: Of course!
*Judge*: Whom did you marry?
*Witness*: What else? A woman.
*Judge*: Mr. Liebowitz, didn't you ever hear of anyone else marrying anybody else but a woman?
*Witness*: You said it. Mine sister, she married a man.


* Judge Smith was about to sentence a sixty-year-old prisoner:
*Smith*:I hereby sentence you to thirty years penal servitude.
*Prisoner*: (sobbing) Your Honor, I won't live long enough to serve the sentence.
*Smith*: It's all right. Just do what you can.


* *Defendant*: it is difficult to see how I can be a forger. Why, I can't sign my own name.
*Judge*: You are not charged with signing your own name.


* Krause was flabbergasted to learn that his client had sent a case of scotch to the judge.
"Good heavens man, you're sure to lose your case now."
"Oh, no, Ill win it," said the defendant. "I sent it in my opponent's name."


* Fitzgerald was sitting beside the deathbed of his lawyer, Dolan. The attorney knew he was doomed and said, with a sigh, "Dear friend, I've a confession to make. A year ago I robbed you of $200,000 in your firm's merger deal, and I also put your firm's control in my possession. I talked your wife into divorcing you and --"
"It's all right, old friend," said Fitzgerald, "I poisoned you."


* *First Lawyer*: Possession is 9/10 of the law.
*Second Lawyer*: Tried any drug cases lately?


* Lawyer Gail Pruitt had a disagreement with the presiding judge and turned her back to the bench and returned to her table.
"Are you trying to show your contempt for this court, counsel?" demanded the judge.
"No, your Honor," said the attorney, "I'm trying to conceal it."


* Better to be a mouse in the mouth of a cat, than a man in the hands of a lawyer. - Spanish Proverb


* Closter was a little concerned about his pending court case. He asked his lawyer, "How should I plead?"
"On your knees," said the attorney.


* "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.


* Patrice, an elderly prostitute, stood before newly elected Judge Cordel.. Her appeal for leniency was so convincing that Cordell had doubts about sentencing her. He called a short recess, then went to the chambers of an older judge. "Say, Butler," he asked, "what would you give a sixty-year-old prostitute?"
"Oh," said the learned jurist, "no more than six dollars."


* *The court*: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
*Juror*: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
*The court*: Can't they do without you at work?
*Juror*: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.



There's A LOT more where these came from, let me know if you'd like me to keep going!

Edit: formatting