top ten jokes of 2014, according to some random website that ranks jokes or something. Yeah I copy and pasted.

- A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,
“Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

- On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

- A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah that’s the one”

- A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.”

- A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

“Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something.”
“Dad you dont mea-”

“Yes I do. You’ve earned it.” Says the father as he passes a copy of ‘1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition’ to the son.
“Dad I dont know what to say…I’m honored.”

“Hi honored,” Replies the father. “I’m dad.”

- A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’


The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fucking Fruit Loops’

- Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

- Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can’t even.

- Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking for a couple of child molesters”
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

“Alright officer, we’ll do it”

- A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”
The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”