1> For kicks, sticks roman candle in empty eye socket and chases kids around. 2> Insists on humming the "Mission Impossible" theme every time he lights a fuse.3> He wants to know if he can "borrow" your dog for the finale.4> Offers 20% discount if Salman Rushdie attends your event.5> Tied a monkey to a skyrocket "so's I can get me a grant from NASA!"6> Theme of the fireworks display: "The Jihad Against the Beer Swilling Pigs Begins"7> He finally shows up on July 6th smelling like a refinery.8> Big 4th of July show ends with 50-foot tall sparkling message: "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Howie Goldfarb."9> Asks if he should shoot off Quaker Puffed Rice or Oats when the 1812 Overture begins.10> The punk he keeps trying to light has orange hair and a nose ring.11> Wants to synchronize the 4th of July display to Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise."12> Can't launch the ol' rocket in front of an audience, if you know what I mean.13> His grand finale involves pork & beans and a Bic lighter.14> Teaches the kids to free up their hands by lighting fireworks in their mouth.15> His degree, from the Wyle E. Coyote Demolition Academy, is an *honorary* degree.16> Business card reads, "Sponsored by St. Luke's Burn Unit"
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