Thought I'd try writing bad monologue jokes today. Like Jay Leno bad.

Russia says it will begin patrolling with nuclear submarines again for the first time in 20 years. Nuclear subs that are 20 years old? I didn’t know Russia had Subway.

In Texas, a husband and wife are blaming one another for sending ricin-laced letters to public officials. As the saying goes, “In sickness and in SHE DID IT!”

Mass anti-government protests continued in Turkey over the weekend. The last time there was this much protest over Turkey was at Thanksgiving.

The U.N. has identified May as Iraq’s deadliest month in years, with over 1,000 people killed. Things have gotten so bad, people are putting statues of Saddam back up.

NATO countries say they will have a get-together to plan their withdrawal from Afghanistan. And if he behaves, a surprise party for Obama.

30 people have been infected with Hepatitis A thanks to a contaminated smoothie blend. Bad news for anyone who went to Jamba Juice and didn’t add the immunity boost.

Film critics say there are noticeable tones of Scientology in the new Will Smith movie “After Earth.” Hopefully they’ll address that in the sequel, “After Earth There’s Tom Cruise.”

Jim Carrey is working on a children’s book. Should be good too. It’s called “Can You Hear Me, Emma Stone. It’s Me, Jim Carrey. Can you Hear Me, Emma? Emma? Can You Hear Me? Emma?”

A congressional report accuses Wal-Mart of paying workers so little that it costs taxpayers’ money because workers need government programs to survive. Yeah, Obama said he really needs to start shopping at Wal-Mart more.

Likewise, the report specifically detailed how a Wal-Mart in Wisconsin costs taxpayers $900,000 a year. That’s a lot of cheese even by Wisconsin standards.

Russia has banned smoking at work, schools and on mass transit. Bad news for Putin and his smoldering good looks.

Pete Rose says he makes over $1 million by just signing autographs in Las Vegas. Said Pete, “Don’t believe me? Wanna bet?!”