The Top 25 Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List

25> Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.


24> Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."


23> Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.


22> Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.


21> Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.


20> Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.


19> Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.


18> Berate domestic staffers while I still can.


17> Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.


16> Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.


15> Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.


14> Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.


13> Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably cold in the morning.


12> Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.


11> Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.


10> Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.


9> Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!


8> Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.


7> Start work on new book: "Minimum Security With Maximum Flair."


6> Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.


5> Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!" Inside: "Shit be da bomb, yo!"


4> Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.


3> Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before going off to jail.


2> Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.


1> Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]