The Top 20 Things Blocking You From Becoming the Next Pope

20> Friggin' Simon cut you off 10 seconds into your audition.


19> Prison swastika tattoo on your forehead can't be fully
hidden by a miter.


18> The College of Cardinals refuses to let "Pimp My Ride" touch
the popemobile.


17> The other cardinals still haven't forgotten when you beat
John Paul in Scrabble and shouted, "Infallible, my ass!"


16> Because apparently, the Body of Christ is not carb-free.


15> Transparent popemobile
    + your penchant for car sickness
    = papal visits that make children cry.


14> Your wives will only let you off the compound for flour and
ammo.


13> You're not really a papal person.


12> The last communion wafer you ate burned a crucifix-shaped
hole through your tongue.


11> You ain't takin' off that cool Skoal cap you found under the
bleachers at Daytona for no pointy hat, dammit!


10> The other cardinals strongly oppose your proposed "Blue
Collar Catholic Comedy Tour."


 9> Your foreign language skills begin and end with
pig-burp-Latin.


 8> You're constipated *and* scared of the woods.


 7> In response to your query, the Vatican Council sent
you a note that said, "More like the NOPE."


 6> You're the only cardinal who does a Beavis
impression when anyone says "organ."


 5> Your little habit of referring to the Eucharist as
"nizzachos and pimp juice from the Notorious G.O.D."


 4> You can't make the sign of the cross without
grabbing your genitals and moonwalking.


 3> Okay, you were starving, but you didn't have to eat
*that* grilled cheese sandwich.


 2> Irritable bowel syndrome and a $20,000 white robe
are not exactly a match made in heaven.


 1> Because driving the popemobile would mean having to
give up your pussymobile, man!


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