The Top 18 Things Heard on "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy"

18> "You don't need fancy-schmancy shampoos. A gallon of Suave costs $1.99 and will last you six months."


17> "Okay, see that ticker on the bottom of the screen showing up-to-date sports scores? Never noticed that before, did ya?"


16> "A daily Tabasco-sauce gargle will lower the voice an octave and a half, putting it in the perfect range for bellowing 'LOSERS!' at Knicks games."


15> "'Yellow' is a color. 'Red' is a color. 'Tangerine' is a fruit. And if I'm not mistaken, 'lemon chiffon' is a dessert."


14> "For your face-care regimen, I'm switching you to a Norelco rechargeable shaver, followed by a splash of Old Spice. They're both primary sponsors of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Winston Cup car."


13> "Reading Maxim magazine is great. Dancing with both hands below your head works fine. Now let's talk about your Episcopalian religion...."


12> "Make sure to scoop the salsa carefully, so the chip doesn't brea-- HEY! Keep that pinky down!"


11> "Try not to be the first one in *and* the last one out of the shower, Mr. Piazza."


10> "Don't bother trying to find 'Skoal brown' and 'Bud yellow' in a paint store -- you gotta mix those colors yourself."


9> "You're probably unaware of how many food items are now available in convenient aerosol form."


8> "First things first: Let's teach you the difference between dirty and unwearable."


7> "I'm tellin' ya, it don't matter if the shoes 'accessorize with the rest of the ensemble,' as long as you can easily clean vomit off 'em."


6> "Leather jacket? Sure! Leather pants? Iffy. Leather chaps? Only if Mistress Helga is going to spank you tonight."


5> "Okay, I'm *sorry* my rottweiler dismembered your bichon frise -- but trust me, you don't want a gay dog like that anyway."


4> "When at a restaurant, order whatever you want -- as long as you look and talk directly into the imaginary camera nestled between the waitress' breasts."


3> "Never shave on a weekend, unless you're going to a wedding where you have a chance at nailing a bridesmaid."


2> "Let's talk about the holy trinity of interior design: pizza boxes, neon Budweiser signs and Heineken mirrors."


1> "First of all, you gotta stop crying every time Greta Van Susteren says how much jail time Martha Stewart might get."


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]