14> "Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day."
13> "That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."
12> "With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table."
11> "Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar."
10> "I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference."
9> "The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."
8> "The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."
7> "That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."
6> "Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"
5> "Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"
4> "Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
3> "Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'"
2> "That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?"
1> "Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."
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[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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