The Top 13 Clues a Beauty Contestant is Actually a Man

13> "And now, Miss West Virginia will sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' accompanied by her penis."


12> "I completely fail to see what people find interesting about Oprah."


11> When asked how she would help the world, she says "I'd get the Knicks a decent freakin' point guard, fer chrissakes."


10> "Here she is, Miss East Ger-man-yyy, ..."


9> Asks everyone, "Does this bikini make my package look big?"


8> Meticulously coiffed hair? Check.


Swimsuit? Check.


Black socks and sandals? Uh oh.


7> "And now for my talent segment, I'm going to write my name in the snow."


6> Gets lost backstage, then refuses to ask for directions.


5> There's only one contestant who can carry a spare towel into the shower and still scrub Miss Norway's back with both hands.


4> "If I could change one thing about the world, I'd like to have an all Three Stooges channel on cable."


3> Measurements: 36, 26, 7, 36


2> Wake up call -- 7:00am


Dressed and ready to go on stage -- 7:12am


1> "Now there's a nice touch: Miss Florida has pinned a tiny replica of her state on the front of her bikini bott-- Oh, my dear lord in heaven...."


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]