The corniest dirty joke ever

There are three guys lost in the desert. They have been wandering around for weeks, and are somehow still alive, yet they are on the brink of death. They crawl over a sand dune and all stop, staring into the distance with their mouths agape.

"Do you see that?" the first guy says. "Yup," the other two reply. There, just over the next sand dune is a house, with vegetation growing around it. "How do we know that it's not a mirage?" the second guy skeptically asks. They decide that one of them should go check it out, because they don't have the energy to all go. They do rock-paper-scissors, and the first guy is selected to go see if the house is real.

He walks over to the house, and decides that it is real. He steps forward and rings the doorbell. After a few moments, the door swings open to reveal the most disgusting, ugly woman the man has ever seen. She has warts and zits all over her butterface, disgusting wrinkly skin, deflated tits, and is generally smelly and dirty. *0/10, would feed to pet alligator*, the first guy thinks, realizing his thinking habits that he picked up on reddit won't do him any good in the desert.

He holds in a gag, shakes of the dizzying nausea, and says, "Hello, my friends and I are lost in the desert and are close to death. Is there any way you could give us some water?" The woman/garbage pile replies "Of course, but only if you have sex with me." The man takes a moment to process what she is saying, and promptly faints, soon standing back up again and getting the hell away from her. He goes back to his friends and says, "No luck, but the house is real all right. Why don't one of you try?"

The second man goes up, rings the bell, and is presented with the disgusting woman. He throws up a little in his mouth, and sneakily spits it onto the ground behind him. He says, "Hi, my friends and I are almost dead, and could really use some water. Wanna help us out?" She again replies, "Sure, but only if you have sex with me." The second guy doesn't have as much self-control as the first guy and projectile vomits all over her front porch. He runs back to his friends, turns towards the third guy, and gasps out, "You give it a try. You're our only chance." The third guy gets up and walks over to the house, following the same procedure as the first two. When the woman says, "Sure, but only if you have sex with me," he cleverly decides that there may be some way of avoiding it, and replies, "OK." She tells him to follow her into the kitchen, because that's where she wants to have sex.

The guy sees something out of the corner of his eye and says, "OK, now close your eyes." She obliges. He reaches over and grabs a corn-on-the-cob that he saw on the counter, and proceeds to fuck her with it. When she finishes, he tosses it out of the open kitchen window before she sees it. Then she says, "God, that was the best sex I've ever had. You get the water, but if you do that again, I'll give you guys a car to get out of here." He says, "Why not?" and tells her to close her eyes, then grabs another cob of corn and screws her with it, tossing it out of the window when she is done. She says, "If you do that a third time I'll give you gas for the car. It's on empty." He instructs her to close her eyes again, and screws her with the corn, throwing this one out of the window as well. She gives him the water and gas, and he loads them into the car, before driving back to where his friends are, only they're not there anymore.

He drives around everywhere looking for them, and finally circles back around the house. He finds them propped up against the wall, eating. They look up and see him and the first guy says, "What took you so long, man? You really missed out! We just had the best buttered corn I've ever tasted!"