The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as
a public service, each question is analyzed below, along
with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper
answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are,
and how lucky I am to have met you." This response
obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf.
c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by
Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what
I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"


Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response
is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That
depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e.
Who, me?


Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an
emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't
call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little
extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e.
Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better
personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not
as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e.
Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-
win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus
and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of
course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN:
Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a
hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN:
Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would
we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem
like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her
use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-
handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - .