The 27 best Edinburgh festival one-liners

1. My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious
*Fin Taylor*

2. Yes, my thighs are touching each other but wouldn’t you be touching yourself if you were this close to my vagina?
*Luisa Omielan*

3. I’ll tell you what separates the men from the boys Operation Yewtree.
*Maff Brown*

4. I used to live next to a farm and every time I passed the cows in the field I used to inexplicably shout abuse at them. Turns out I’m dairy intolerant.
*Alfie Moore*

5. I lost my virginity so late, that when it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.
*Holly Walsh*

6. You ever hate your job with the passion that your boss claims you lack?
*Stuart Black*

7. I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.
*Iain Stirling*

8. I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
*Tom Rhodes*

9. Recently we got a new child in the family – my new stepmom.
*Camilla Cleese*

10. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’
*Tim Vine*

11. The wedding invite said: ‘Simon Feilder +1 ’So I turned up an hour late.
*Simon Feilder*

12. I thought Benefits Street was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl.
*Imran Yusuf*

13. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his weddingI Thought: ‘Bloody hell. How long’s the aisle going to be?’
*Paul McCaffrey*

14. I’m Clive Anderson, in case you were thinking so that’s what happened to William Hague these past years.
*Clive Anderson*

15. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
*Bridget Christie*

16. For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.
*Sara Pascoe*

17. I keep writing letters to myself. Dear me.
*Mark Simmons*

18. Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago and since then he’s never looked back.
*Alfie Moore*

19. Even the word misogyny is misogynistic. It should be ms-ogyny.
*Bec Hill*

20. Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.
*Nick Helm*

21. I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet I don’t know why.
*Chris Turner*

22. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.
*Rebecca Humphries*

23. My dad said: ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.
*Mark Watson*

24. I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: ‘Booooo!’ That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
*Nathan Caton*

25. The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.
*Jonny Lennard*

26. When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.
*Frank Skinner*

27. My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.
*Alex Edelman*

**Edit**: I missed a crucial bit to 11. that /u/PodgeBear helpfully pointed out :). Also, in the interests of tranparancy, this is not my original work, but I have edited it out as a self-post...hence the mistake originally (I thought it'd be easier to read on Reddit). Full source [can be found here](http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/the-27-best-edinburgh-festival-oneliners--xkByUWdZme).