So there was this guy who wanted to be a train conductor.

Now this is more of a story than a joke, but bear with me...

So back in the 30's or sometime there was this guy who desperately wanted to be a train conductor. It all started in his early childhood. Ya see, he was orphaned from a very young age, but he still had very vivid memories of his parents. Now, his parents were horrible people, they abused him, and most of all scoffed at his aspirations of becoming a train conductor. He had run away and took up residence in the local orphanage. There all he dreamed of was being a REAL train conductor. He told all the staff, and they all supported his dreams. Several years pass and one day the owner of the orphanage came up to him and says:
"I am friends with the conductor at the train station, he's an old man like me and he's going to be retiring soon. He wanted to finish out this year, but he has offered you the position of ticket collector, so you can see how he runs the show. Once he retires you would be the new train conductor."

Now at this point our guy is elated. His dreams are coming true! He agrees to take the ticket collector position and will start the following morning. He wakes up at the crack of dawn and sets off for the train station. Everything was going well, he collects tickets flawlessly for about 3 or 4 months. During the middle of his shift, he notices a woman that has a striking resemblance to his mother. His mother was not in the same ballpark as anyone who is considered attractive, and he assumes it's her immediately. His heart starts racing, and he walks straight up to her. He takes his ticket puncher and begins to beat her with it. Now I'm not going to go into the gory details about how he's using this ticket puncher, but just know it is gruesome. There's blood everywhere, small circular patches of skin all over the floor and the seats. The passengers are mortified. He kills this woman, and the police arrest him, he pleads guilty, is sentenced to death, and is taken to prison.

He is scheduled to be executed in a week, and like any man would, is dreading it. He thinks about how he would have done things differently, and maybe controlled his emotions if he was put in this scenario again. The night before his execution is a really stormy night, and his spirits are as low as ever. The jail guard senses that he's down and thinks he can cheer him up a bit with his last meal. A slight smile appears across his face, and he asks for his favorite, chicken fried steak, with a side of fried okra. He eats everything on the plate and asks for more.

The method of execution during this time was the electric chair, and the operators were getting it set up for its next victim. The execution is going quite normally, or as normally as any execution can go, and our guy sits down in his chair. They put the hat on his head. Strap him down. Ask for any last words. Then begin to electrocute him. This execution is more spectacular than any other execution these men have ever seen before. There's smoke, violent thrashing, and worst of all screaming. After a minute or so they cut the power.

He's sitting in the chair very motionless. They begin to unstrap him and much to their surprise he sits up! Now his punishment was to be electrocuted by the electric chair, and he was in fact electrocuted in the electric chair. They can't punish the poor man again, so they release him hoping he's learned his lesson.

He picks up his job collecting tickets again and is told if he does anything wrong again, he's out of there. Once again several months pass, and as he is collecting tickets, he runs into a man who is reminiscent of his father. His mother was bad, but to him his father was worse. He doesn't even have the composure to walk over to him. He breaks out into a sprint down 3 train cars. He tackles the man and once again murders him (much more brutally than the last one). The same thing happens that happened to him last time. He is sent to court. Sentenced to death by the electric chair, and sent to prison. He asks for a last meal, which he is denied, and is sitting in the electric chair the next day.

This time the operators aren't fucking around. They douse this guy in water. Turn up the power to levels that are high enough to kill an elephant. They turn it on, and just as last time there is a shitload of thrashing, screaming smoke, and the smell of burning hair and flesh. They leave that sucker on for muccchhh too long for anyone to possibly survive it. They cut the power, and check to see if the man still lives. Much to their dismay he, although burned, hairless, and in a world of hurt, sits up. The lead operator loses his mind and gets in his face.

"HOW! How are you still alive!? I understand that the first time it may have been a freak accident, but this time we were going to make SURE you were dead."

Our guy looks him straight in the eyes, and with a quiet, raspy voice, he says "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor".


Now I'm kinda new here and I don't know if this joke has been here before. Thanks for reading it and I hope someone out there liked it. c: