Quickies

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money.

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.

Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word "Federal" in it could be speedy.

Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive.

After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.

For two people in a marriage to live together, day after day, is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.