Oscar came from a rough home... (from the r/baseball jokes thread)

His dad was cruel, and an alcoholic. Oscar had to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide the bruises. And his mother wasn't better off.

One fateful day, Oscar's mom made the soup too spicy, and dad started beating her with a cast iron skillet. Hearing his mother's screams and figuring this was worse than before, Oscar ran upstairs and called 911. After a particularly forceful strike with the skillet, dad went upstairs to check on Oscar, leaving mom motionless on the kitchen floor with a pool of blood forming around her head.

Oscar's dad grabbed Oscar by the wrist and started to drag him out of the room when he noticed the phone was off the hook. "What did you do?" he sneered at little Oscar. Then came the blows. Oscar was lucky that most of the teeth he lost were baby teeth.

Oscar was barely conscious when the police arrived. Dad still had plenty of fight in him, enough that the officers had to use deadly force. So both of Oscar's parents died that day.

While Oscar was recovering in the hospital, the social worker assigned from child services had determined that he had no living relatives. "Who do you want to stay with," she asked Oscar, "until we can find you a suitable foster home?"

"The Houston Astros," Oscar replied meekly.

"The baseball team? Why the Astros?" the social worked asked.

"Because they don't beat anybody."