Oneliners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a for giving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.