Nobel Prizes

1. Britney Spears & Eminem
who, combined, have written more books than they've read.

2. Dr. Phil McGraw
who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America's Oil Companies
for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
for managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.