New Elements for the Periodic Table

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:


Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding
mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.


Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element
undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.


Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid.
Often called Boron.


Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons,
leptons, quarks.Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.


Newtium Nt Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.


Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't.


Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.


Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states,
in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating
it.


Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it
can reach lethal concentrations in the House.


Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.