Man walks into a pet shop, goes up to the owner and says
“Hiya mate, I’m looking to get a pet.”
The owner says to him “Alright, what kind of pet?”
“Well, I want something original. I’ve had hunners of pets, had dogs, had cats, had hamsters, had fish, I’m looking for something different”.
“What about a turtle?”
“No I’ve had 15 turtles! Something original!”
“What about a lizard?”
“Nae a fecking Lizard! I’ve had heaps of lizards I’ve got lizards coming out my fecking ears! Something different, something exciting!”
“What about a monkey, they’re pretty original and exciting.”
“Original?! I’ve had mair monkeys then I’ve had shags! Unless you can offer me something that no one else has got, then I’m walking out this shop!”
The shopkeeper thought to himself silently, and then said;
“There is one thing I can offer you.”
The man was interested.
“I’m interested” he said.
“First off you have to promise not to tell anyone you got it here.”
“Aye nae bother! Let’s see it!”
So the shopkeeper took the man to the back of the store. There was a door covered with locks and chains. Slowly the shopkeeper took off each chain and unlocked each lock. He then opened the door and revealed a small room. In a dimly lit corner of the room there was a majestic polar bear, tied up with a chain around it’s neck, breathing heavily as it slept.
“Brilliant!” Exclaimed the man. “I don’t care fit the price is, I’m having that polar bear!”
The man and the shopkeeper did the deal, the man took the polar bear by the rope and started to leave the shop. Then the shopkeeper shouted at him
“Wait! I almost forgot. There is one thing you must remember. Never, ever touch the polar bear on the nose. God help you if you do.”
“Nae problem!” Said the man as he toddled off. Don’t touch him on the nose, easy peasy.
So the man walked casually down the street with the polar bear, naebody gave them a second look, people are used to seeing this type of stuff. They waited at the bus stop, when the bus came he argued with the driver that the polar bear should get on for free. Begrudgingly paid for himself and the polar bear, took their seats on the bus, and eventually, got home. The man tied the polar bear up in his kitchen, and stared at the beast in awe.
“Brilliant, me and this polar bear are gonna have so much fun. We’ll go for walks, we’ll play fetch, we’ll have bathtime. It’ll be great”.
The man went to his bed that night dreaming of polar bears. When he got up in the morning, he ran downstairs to see if the polar bear was up. He ran into the kitchen but was disappointed to see the polar bear was still fast asleep. He went back often that day, but the polar bear never awoke.
“I’ll just give him time, maybe he’s tired and needs a rest.”
The next morning the man awoke and ran to the kitchen. But the bear was still asleep. The next morning, the same thing. The next morning, bear still snoring. Morning after that, bears sitting there reading the morning paper. Next morning, bears asleep.
“This is useless. What’s the point in having a polar bear if it doesn’t do anything!” The man exclaimed.
“I wonder what the shopkeeper meant would happen if I touched it’s nose ...” The man pondered. It couldn’t be anything that bad.
Slowly, the man approached the bear. The bear was snoring heavily, it’s sharp teeth dripping drool from the side of it’s mouth. The man wiped sweat from his brow as he stood face to face with the beast. Slowly, he reached out his hand, and tapped the bear on the nose.
Nothing. No reaction from the bear whatsoever.
“Fit the fu-“
Suddenly the bears eyes opened wide. It appeared startled at first, but then saw the man. The bear started to growl, and stood tall, pounding it’s paws of the ground.
“Awww, shite!” said the man as he started to walk towards the door. All of a sudden the chain ripped from the bears neck. He was free to charge at the man. The man turned and ran out of the house, and locked the door behind him. He was sweating with fear, he could hear the polar bear banging on the other side of the door. The man considered his options. He saw his car and decided to jump in and just start driving, he would worry about where he was going later.*
*If at this point in the story you’re wondering why, if the man had a car, he took the bus to the pet shop, it’s because parking prices for the city centre are absolutely extortionate.
The man turned the ignition on, slammed his foot on the pedal, and the car slammed into his house and destroyed his bathroom.
“Shite!” The man yelled as brown shitey water sprayed from what used to be his toilet all over his car. “Left it in fucking reverse!”
The man changed gears and drove away. As he drove he caught a glimpse of the polar bear drinking the brown shitey water from what used to be the toilet. The man puked a little.
He kept driving, considering where he should go. “The airport! I’ll get away, stay abroad for a few days, wait for the polar bear to wander off, then it will all be fine.”
The man began to relax, he had it all worked out in his head. He looked out his rear-view mirror, and his jaw dropped. He saw running on the road, the polar bear, drool coming from it’s mouth. The man sped up but the polar bear kept running, it got faster and faster, closer and closer. The polar bear was in touching distance of the car. The man suddenly slammed on the breaks, as the car ground to a halt the polar bear ran head first into the bumper and fell back. The man laughed as he drove away to the airport, leaving the polar bear on the side of the road.
The man got to the airport, ran inside, and looked for the first plane out of the country. There was a flight departing in 20 minutes for Cuba. The man went to the counter, pulled out his credit card, and bought a one way ticket. He went through security, into customs, bought a kit kat, a bottle of Coke, and a Take A Break, and boarded the flight.
“It’s all going to be okay.” The man thought, as he sat at his window seat on the plane. The plane began to take off, and the man decided it would be nice to have a view of the ground. He lifted the window blind (you know the shitey wee plastic things you get on a plane) and was terrified to see, on the wing of the plane, the polar bear, with his face pressed up against the window staring at the man. The man yelped, and pulled the blind back down.
“How the fuck …” The man thought to himself. The plane was shaking with the force of taking off. “it’ll be fine, there is no way he will survive the whole plane journey out there.”
The plane evened out, and the man slowly opened the blind again, the polar bear was still there, face pressed up against the window. The man pulled the blind back down again. “Ho-lee-crap.” The man thought, as he slumped in his seat. There was nothing that he could do but wait it out. He kept checking every 10 minutes or so, but every time the bear was still there at the window, face pressed up against the glass, staring at the man. The man drifted off, and awoke several hours later. He opened the blind but the bear was still there, staring.
“Jesus! That bear is determined!” The man mumbled. He felt his stomach rumble. He looked about for his kit kat but couldn’t see it anywhere. He peered out the window. The polar bear was grinning, as it unwrapped the mans kit kat and slowly ate it, savouring every chocolaty bite.
“Son of a bitch” The man cursed, under his breath. He pulled the blind back down and sighed. He could feel the plane coming in to land. What was he going to do? He decided he would just have to get off the plane as fast as possible and run. As the plane grounded to a stop the man jumped over people, squeezed his way through. He barged past a young couple, then yelled “PISS OFF!” at an old lady at the front as he knocked her to the ground. He jumped from the plane and started running. He heard the thud of the polar bear as it jumped from the wing and started chasing him.
This was it, the man thought. He couldn’t get away from the bear. He couldn’t outrun it. He didn’t even know where he was going. He soon found himself at a dead end. He turned and gulped. The polar bear stood there, towering over the man. It had the look of a hunter in it’s eyes, and drool in it’s mouth.
“Why the fuck did I have to tap it on the nose! The man thought, as the polar bear slowly approached him, growling under it’s breath. The man felt warm liquid trickle down his leg as he cowered in the corner. The bear stood over the man, sniffed at him.
The man started to cry.
The polar bear roared.
The man felt excrement build in his pants.
In one swift movement, the polar bear lifted it’s paw high above the man
It brought it’s paw swinging down
The paw connected with the mans shoulder, as the polar bear yelled
“TIG! YOU’RE IT!”
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