Must dos at the Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.


2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your rear look big.


3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.


4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.


5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'AAAGH! MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'


6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.


7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary.


8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King


9. Follow patrons of Border's around while reading aloud from 'The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.'


10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.


11. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.


12. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.


13. Test mattresses in your pajamas.


14. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.


15. Patiently stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.


16. Sprint up the down escalator.


17. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.


18. Ask sales personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.


19. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.


20. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.


21. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Toilette.


22. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.


23. Leave the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes on, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.


24. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.


25. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they sell 'any giant things made out of straw'.


26. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.


27. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.


28. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.


29. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, "Domino's, at your service!"


30. If it's summer, go into the toy store and ask where all the beach balls are hidden!