Men in General

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

Why doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job?
He still ends up with the same boss.

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis?
They're stuck in adolescence.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. The lady should already have it open on the table.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do some men name their penis?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.