Little Johnny and the eel (Long, but hilarious)

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he’s not as good as the doctor ’cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, ’cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold ’cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go…I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I’m not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead ’cause I saw Sis’ boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE’S NOT MOVING!!!”