Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read
on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down,

Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick
headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the
fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in
the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out
dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. It's really a
basement room, and it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married.

We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins
to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I
know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor
infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my
"down there" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind and although not well educated,he is ambitious. Although he is of a
different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in
the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease
and there is no miscegenation in my
life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, Kimberly!

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