Kid Readiness Test

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids.


MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.


TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.


GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.


DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.


FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.


NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.


INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.


AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family
size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back
seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There,
perfect.


PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You
won't be wearing them for a while.


PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.


FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.