Jimmy

Little Jimmy was on the playground during recess one day. He had just started kindergarten a few months ago. Jimmy was a good kid and the kind of student any teacher would love to have since he was always trying to learn new things. He always took his parents' advice to learn one new thing every day and today was no different from any other.

Little Jimmy was quietly playing in the sand by himself when one of the bigger kids, the size of a fifth grader, stomped up and pushed him to the ground. He leaned in close and whispered into Jimmy's ear, calling him a name Jimmy had never heard before. The kid leaned back and sneered his freckly face at Jimmy in a loathsome way while little Jimmy just stared at him, dumbstruck.

“What does that even mean?” little Jimmy asked.

The kid's sneer grew into a smirk, “Go ask the teacher, she'll tell you!”

Now Jimmy may have only been five but he wasn't completely stupid. He knew he had just been called a bad name. But his curiosity was killing him so as soon as recess was over he raced inside to talk to the teacher. Maybe she could even tell him what it meant!

“Teacher, teacher! Before we start class can I ask you something?”

“What is it, Jimmy?” his teacher asked.

“Well, I was on the playground at recess and one of the big kids called me a bad word, but I don't even know what it means.”

Thinking Jimmy was more upset about the name-calling than the fact that he had no idea what the word meant, his teacher, completely well-versed in the idea that five year-olds thought that “poop” was a bad word, decided to cut him the deal she usually did in these cases, since the kids were usually clearly uncomfortable saying words like “doo-doo-head” out loud. “Okay Jimmy, I can only help you if you tell me the word. But since it's a bad word you can just whisper it in my ear and I will take care of it.”

Jimmy hesitates but a moment before leaning in and whispering in her ear. Her eyes grew wide and she shouted, “JIMMY, THAT'S HORRIBLE! GO TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN, YOU ARE IN DETENTION!”

Jimmy yelped but obediently ran down to the principal's office before. It's rare that a five year-old gets detention in and of itself but Jimmy had never been in trouble before. He was scared.

Jimmy sat down in a chair outside of the principal's office, impatiently kicking his legs and twiddling his thumbs. The principal was inside having a phone conversation, likely with Jimmy's teacher. After a few minutes the door creaked open an the principal smiled at Jimmy. “Come in, sit down.” Again, Jimmy obeyed and stared dejectedly at the placard that said “PRINCIPAL.”

“Now Jimmy, you're a good kid,” Jimmy didn't look up. “I know you're a good kid. So I need you to tell me in your own words, why do you think you're here?”

“Well, you see, I was on the playground at recess and one of the big kids called me a bad word, and I didn't even know what it meant, so I asked the teacher about it and she yelled at me and sent me here.”

“I see. Well Jimmy, since you're such a good kid and all, what word could be so horrible that your teacher would send you to me?” His eyes were wide with surprise that this was all that it took.

“Well, I dunno. It must be a pretty bad word...”

“Jimmy, I'm your principal. It's my job to look out for your well-being. It's just us two in here, but if you want you can just whisper it in my ear if that makes you feel better. You can trust me.”

Jimmy sighed and leaned over to the principal and carefully whispered into the principal's ear. His eyes grew wide and he slammed his fists down on his desk, making his placard jump and fall to the ground, “JIMMY THAT'S HORRIBLE! GO HOME RIGHT NOW YOU ARE EXPELLED!”

Jimmy walked out of the office, defeated. On his way home he kicked rocks and dawdled. Eventually he found his way through the front door. His mother had been sitting patiently waiting for him.

“Jimmy, sweetheart,” her eyes were filled with concern for her son. “What happened at school today? I just got off the phone with your pricipal. He seemed really angry.”

Jimmy looked up at her with eyes as big as dinner plates. “Okay, so I was on the playground at recess today and one of the big kids called me a bad word, and I didn't even know what it meant, so I asked the teacher about it and she yelled at me and sent me to detention in the principal's office. The principal yelled at me and told me I was expelled and sent me home.”

“Sweetie, what word could be so horrible that you would get expelled from school?” His mother's mind was racing as to where he even learned a bad word, they never used bad language at home.

“Mom... I don't know... it must be a pretty bad word, it's gotten me in a lot of trouble already.” Jimmy stared at his feet as his mom closed in. She leaned down and gave him a great big hug.

“I'm your mommy. You can tell me anything and I'll love you and take care of you no matter what. But I can't fix this for you if you don't tell me what the word was. I'll tell you what, even though it's just you and me you can lean in and whisper it in my ear, okay? You can trust me.”

Jimmy was close to tears but he put on a brave face and nodded before leaning in and whispering into her ear.

Her eyes grew wide and she practically threw Jimmy from her arms. “JIMMY THAT'S HORRIBLE!” she shrieked, “GO TO YOUR ROOM YOU ARE GROUNDED! FOREVER!”

Jimmy slowly and sadly climbed up the stairs to his bedroom. He sat on his bed, still fighting back tears but just barely. The hours stretched and he just stared at the wall, feeling hopeless. Eventually, just before dark, he heard his father's car pull up into the driveway. The sound of his footsteps followed to the front door and once his father came inside he could hear his parents speaking in hushed tones.

Eventually his father climbed the stairs and softly opened the door to Jimmy's room. “Heya kiddo. I just talked to your mom. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Um, well... I was on the playground at recess today and one of the big kids called me a bad word, and I didn't even know what it meant, so I asked the teacher about it and she yelled at me and sent me to detention in the principal's office. The principal yelled at me and told me I was expelled and sent me home. Then mom yelled at me and grounded me. Forever.”

“It must be a pretty bad word then, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Look, Jimmy, I would love to get you out of the doghouse with your mom. I can help but only if you tell me what the word was.”

Jimmy just stared at him as tears welled up in his eyes.

“Jimmy, we're both men here. Women can be over-sensitive, but I think I can handle it. If you're uncomfortable you can just whisper it in my ear. You can trust me, okay?”

Jimmy looked unconvinced but wanted to believe in his father. He took a big gulp and leaned close to whisper into his father's ear. His dad's eyes grew wide and his father stood up, screaming “JIMMY THAT'S HORRIBLE! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! I HAVE NO SON!”

Jimmy froze for a moment before booking it out of the house. He ran as fast and as far as his feet would carry him and before long it was completely dark out. Eventually he slowed down almost to a complete stop, dragging his feet along the sidewalk. Eventually he just sat on the curb and cried. After a few minutes a police car puled up to poor little Jimmy on the curb.

“Son, come here.” Jimmy looked but but didn't move. “Son, come here, it's okay. What's your name?”

Jimmy's eyes were those of a shell-shocked soldier, “Um... it's Jimmy, sir.”

“Well, Jimmy, what are you doing out alone after dark?”

Jimmy took a deep breath. “It all started when I was on the playground at recess today and one of the big kids called me a bad word, and I didn't even know what it meant, so I asked the teacher about it and she yelled at me and sent me to detention in the principal's office. The principal yelled at me and told me I was expelled and sent me home. Then mom yelled at me and grounded me to my room forever. Then my dad yelled at me and kicked me out of the house and told me to never come back and that he had no son.”

“Well, Jimmy...” a look of concern crossed the officer's face, “what word could be so horrible that your dad would kick you out of the house?”

A look of fear flashed across Jimmy's face. “Uh... I dunno. It must be a pretty bad word, it's gotten me in so much trouble already....”

“Jimmy,” the cop flashed a genuine smile, “No little boy should be on his own. No matter how bad the word is. I'm a police officer and it's my duty to serve and protect you. If it makes you feel better you can just whisper it in my ear.”

Jimmy felt conflicted but the police officer's offer seemed sincere enough that he eventually leaned in and ever-so-softly whispered into his ear.

“JIMMY! THAT'S HORRIBLE!” The cop was on him in an instant. He whipped out his handcuffs and slammed poor Jimmy's face into the hood of the car, the whole while reading him his rights.

Later, in court, Jimmy found himself staring up at a judge. She didn't look scary but Jimmy could barely keep from pissing his little trousers.

“Jimmy,” she said authoritatively, “Do you have any idea why you're here today?”

Jimmy had a thousand-yard stare, “Well your honour, it all started when I was on the playground at recess the other day and one of the big kids called me a bad word, and I didn't even know what it meant, so I asked the teacher about it and she yelled at me and sent me to detention in the principal's office. The principal yelled at me and told me I was expelled and sent me home. Then mom yelled at me and grounded me to my room forever. Then my dad yelled at me and kicked me out of the house and told me to never come back and that he had no son. The police officer arrested me and now I'm here.” Tears welled up in his eyes.

“Well now, Jimmy, what word could be so horrible that you would get arrested?”

Pure panic took him. “Well... gee... your honour its got me in so much trouble already... I really don't know if I could say it in front of all of these people.”

“Jimmy, look, if you're really worried you may approach the bench and whisper it in my ear.”

Jimmy's face was white and he didn't respond.

“Look Jimmy, I don't want to see a five year-old to be convicted of a crime, but I really can't help you unless I know what the word is. And I'll just remind you that you are under oath.”

Jimmy approached the judge in a zombie-like state. He leaned in close, whispered into the judge's ear and without missing a beat the judge slammed down his gavel, “JIMMY! THAT'S HORRIBLE! I SENTENCE YOU TO TWENTY YEARS IN PRISON WITHOUT PAROLE!”

Twenty year's later Jimmy is serving the last day of his sentence in a maximum security prison. They've tried to keep him isolated from the other prisoners but overcrowding in the prison system has led to him being forced to share a cell for his final few hours. A man with face tattoos jacked from the floor to the ceiling with muscles was dumped in through the cell door.

“Hey.”

Jimmy didn't say anything at first.

“Hey. Look at me when I'm talking to you.” Jimmy made eye contact for a moment before pulling his eyes away. “You, what's your name.”

“Jimmy.”

“Jimmy, eh? Name's Eddie. What're you in for?”

“It's really a long story.”

“Try me, I've got nowhere else to be.” Eddie smiled in earnest at Jimmy. Jimmy felt everything in his body screaming at him not to talk about what happened twenty years ago, but at the same time he'd been isolated for so long he just felt the need to let it out.

“Okay, you see... twenty years ago I was five years old. I'm on the playground, minding my own business during reccess. One of the older kids called me some curse word and I didn't even know what it meant. So I asked the teacher about it and she starts screaming like a banshee and I get sent to the office. The principal ended up expelling me so I went home. My mom completely lost her shit and tried to put me under house arrest. My dad ended up disowning me and then a police officer stopped to help but when he found out he arrested me. The judge sentenced me to twenty years without parole. But I get out today, and soon.” Jimmy felt some relief but also terror because even though he had no education other than what he learned in prison he wasn't too stupid to not know what was coming next.

“Well, Jesus! What word could be so horrible you'd get locked up in here?”

“You know... this word has gotten me in so much shit already I don't want to go through this again. Especially since as of today my time has been served.”

“Jimmy, look at me. You said a bad word as a five year-old and you're locked up with me. You know what I did? I strangled my girlfriend until she passed out, tried to smother her with a pillow, and when that took too long I grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed her thirty-seven times in the chest. I ain't no rocket surgeon but I can't think of any words more horrible than what I done to her. Look, I get it if you don't want the other guys to hear. Just whisper it to me, no one else has to know.”

Jimmy straightened himself, readying for the response as he leaned in close and whispered to Eddie.

Eddie recoiled in horror, “JIMMY! THAT'S HORRIBLE!” Jimmy began to raise his hands to defend himself. But Eddie just stared at him slack-jawed before giving him a heart slap on the back. “Jesus. You got me.”

8It felt like Jimmy had been holding his breath for years and he had finally been allowed to exhale. “You wanna know what the worst part is? I still don't even know what it *means*.”

“Well Jimmy, I can't explain it to you.” Jimmy's face fell, “But I do know a guy. I can give you his address, he'll be able to make it clear to you why you've been put through hell way better'n I can. His name is Lou.”

Tears of gratitude leaked from Jimmy's sunken eyes and he gave Eddie the biggest hug he could muster. Eddie didn't seem to mind.

Finally, once Jimmy was left to his own devices, he tracked down the address and found it was just across the street from where he was standing. Jimmy was so excited to finally have some answers that he bolted across the street.

Unfortunately for Jimmy he ran into the path of an on-coming bus and he died instantly.

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Phew! This is my go-to bar joke. You tell it about two drinks in so people are a little more open to listening to a rambling, repetitive story. I actually had one person jokingly threaten to murder me for wasting approximately ten minutes of their life and another friend still playfully slaps me across the face any time I say the name “Jimmy.” I've never typed it out before, this was fun. At just over 2,700 words it took me two sittings.

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**Epilogue:**

So Jimmy's in Hell and the devil turns to Jimmy and asks, “Jimmy, why on earth did they send you here?”