Inflight Announcements

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make
the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:


"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables
and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6
ways out of this airplane..."


"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."


"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort
you to the wing of the airplane."


"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane
immediately."


Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move
about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it
affects the flight pattern."


And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross
in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to
retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a
video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."


Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella...WHOA..!"


"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."


"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."


"Last one off the plane must clean it."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it
was the asphalt!"


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach
the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."


From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more."


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."