It was one of those Brazilian snakes that came from the tropical rain forest. It was such a beautiful snake, the pattern on his scales were so intricate. I named him Ted, pretty unoriginal, but I was seven and it stuck. Anyway, as I grew up, Ted turned into a huge dick. He used to love coming out of his tank and playing with me, but as time went on, he seemed to like me less and less. The only way I was able to get him to spend any time with me was if I offered him some fresh Pepperidge Farm bread, you know, the sweet, pre-formed type usually eaten with hot dogs or hamburgers. If I didn't bring his favorite treats, he wouldn't have anything to do with me.
Turns out my anaconda was not interested in me unless I had buns.
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