1. "I've not been scoring with the ladies and am so horny that the other day a pigeon walked past me and I'm like "Dayum girl! Why you gotta show me all that?"
2. An attractive young female doctor told an 88-year-old man he had to stop masturbating. He asked, "Why?" She replied, "Because I'm trying to give you an exam!"
3. "I hire day labor from the Home Depot all the time. I don't hire white guys ever though. I figure if a white American male can't find work there's something wrong with them. Just ask Elizabeth Smart."
4. "I was walking through the forest the other day and stumbled on a baby laying in the brush crying. It freaked me out because I put it there like 10 days ago."
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