Fun with telemarketers

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me
(and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T, and it went something like this:


Me: Hello


AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....


Me: This is AT&T?


AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?


Me: May I ask who is calling?


AT&T: This is AT&T.


Me: OK, hold on.


At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.


Me: Hello?


AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?


Me: May I ask who is calling please?


AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....


Me: Is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....


Me: This is AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?


Me: Yes, is this AT&T?


AT&T: Yes, sir.


Me: The phone company?


AT&T: Yes, sir.


Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.


AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.


Me: I already have a phone.


AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.


Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.


When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady
was persistent.


AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year.


Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but
she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.


Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little
excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!


Me: 7 days a week?


AT&T: That's right.


Me: 365 days a year?


AT&T: Yes, sir.


Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think
so!


Me: That's quite a sum of money!


AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.


Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the
end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a


cash advance?


AT&T: Excuse me?


Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.


AT&T: What are you talking about?


Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.


AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.


Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are
you sure this is AT&T?


AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....


Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents
a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal
telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you
know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.


AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....


Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I
don't think that is necessary.


Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?


Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.


So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I
have a mouth full of food.......


Supervisor: Mr. Salem?


Me: Yeth?


Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute
program.


Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)


Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.


I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress
my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.


Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.


Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.


Me: Thank you.


I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the
other end of the phone.


AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for
our plan?


Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother.........


AT&T: (click)


Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them
options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to
speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............


Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............