"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny
"When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns
"You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West
"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W.C. Fields
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman
Many of the jokes are contributions from our users. If you find anything offensive and against our policy please report it here with a link to the page. We will do everything to make this an enjoyable platform for everyone.