Evil Overlord Handbook Part One

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.


2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.


3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
dungeon.


4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.


5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.


6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
them.


7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and
asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?",
my reply will be, "No, just sensible."


8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
I'll say, "No" and shoot him.


9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will
be carried out.


10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large
red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button
marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no
Plug.