EPA Warning: The Danger of Eating Bread

THE DANGER OF EATING BREADA recent newspaper headline read, ''Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.'' The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....THE FINDINGS1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.5. Bread is made from a substance called ''dough.'' It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.PROPOSED RESTRICTIONSMost bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions1. No sale of bread to minors.2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.