Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault : Glass is empty. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom : Feet cold and wet. Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom : Feet warm and wet. Fault : Loss of self-control. Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom : Lap cool and wet. Fault : Drooling on yourself. Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault : You are being carried out. Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Symptom: Bar looks like a circus. Fault : You're at a circus. Solution : Go to a bar. Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault : You have fallen over backwards. Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault : You have fallen over forwards. Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom : Everything has gone dim. Fault : The pub is closing. Solution : PANIC!!