Dr. Suess Logs On

What is this dangling, this jangling, this cord
that's hanging and dangling from this motherboard?
It fits in the phone jack, I plugged it, I tried!
I heard not a dialtone, no ringer, no bell,
but speedy quick dialing to Internet Hell.
They asked for my name, oh my! Who then am I?
So I made up a handle called "SuperStudGuy."
I knew all the women would read it and swarm.
I polished my fingertips; best keyboard form.
I hunted for nudies and pictures of smut,
but found only swimsuits and one lovely butt.
The menus, the options, the choices, Oh my!
'Till "IRC Client" detected my eye.
I lept to the keyboard like tigers to meat.
Excitement, delightment, enticement, it's NEAT!
Alone in the chat room, oh dang it, oh darn!
Where are the people to spin me a yarn?
Then in through the exit, that digital door
came person, and people and threeple, and more!
Words went a'flying by, line after line.
The best I could read it was once every nine.
I piped in "Hello there" awaiting reply,
but no one acknowledged me, SuperStudGuy.
Ranting and raving and calling them names,
accused them of cliquery frickery games!
Then I was befriended by "Horny&Free,"
who taught me the lingo of Internet-ese.
In private, so private, I found why I'm here
while Horny&Free told me why I'm so dear.
The words drew us closer and closer, oh please!
And I could still type with ONE hand on the keys!
Then while I was wiping my monitor stand
Horny&Free told me she was a man.
So while I was sopping up chunks from the desk,
Incessant loud beeping aroused my unrest.
The insults were flying, and crashing, and burned!
And I was the brunt of the grunting, I learned!
They thrashed me and trashed me and flamed my good name
with nither a quiver of reason, for shame!
With digital torches ablazing they crushed,
SuperStudGuy stood the challenge and cussed.
A kind soul informed me a hotkey so great.
I thanked him, preparing to lay them to waste.
Configured my fingers on "Alt" and "F4."
I'll show you, you geekos! You snotbellied snits!
I'll press this and send all your keyboards to fits!
You cross me? How dare you? It's such a bad scene!
I pressed it and stared at the pretty blank screen.
I yanked on the phone cord and yelped a bad word.
These people! This keyboard! It's silly absurd!
I dialed once again just to show they can't win
but ran into "SexyOne" on my way in.
Maybe this Internet thing could be grand?
But this time, I'll type using just my RIGHT hand.