Do you like my jokes

1. My foot fell asleep and I was like, that's not a sock, that's a sleeping bag.
2. I wish banana peels had zippers.
3. My dog turned 3, so I gave him some beer.
4. *Computa*Dora The *Internet* Explorer
5. Harry Potter's motto with chicks is: Hit it 'n Quidditch (and if he can't cum it's a dry-*spell*).
6. My rapper name is Braille, YOU FEEL ME?
7. I wear a pedometer when I go to bed. I sleepwalk. I just wanna know how much.
8. Black people are like, "Fuck bitches, get money." But bears are like, "Fuck bee's, get honey." But, what do Black Bears say?
9. I was addicted to showering, but I'm 6 hours clean. (*I told this joke to Bo Burnham in his AMA, and he said,* "I love dirty jokes!")
10. I filled my hourglass with quicksand, now it's a 30-minute glass.
11. At first, I didn't like cancer, but it grows on you.
12. I sell clocks on eBay because time is money.
13. I'm not making any friends at school. God, I hate taking online classes.
14. "Jesus" would be a good street name for heroin, cuz then you'd take the lords name in vein.
15. I bought some edible dice to feed my gambling addiction. The dice were made of ecstacy so now I'm rolling.
16. Speech therapy is easier said than done.
17. I got a fortune cookie that said, "If you keep eating these, you're gonna get fat."
18. If you can see a chameleon, it's not a very good chameleon.
19. The pizza at Chuck E Cheese's gave me rat poisoning.
20. I like sexting, because I can easily find a girl's 3G-spot.
21. I opened a new box of Legos and said, "Time to meet your maker."
22. We say, "The grass is greener on the other side!" In China, they say, "The grass is dead in America."
23. The Boy Scout was picking strings out of a rope, saying, she loves me, she loves me not. Then, he tied it into a noose and hung himself.
24. I never eat sloppy joes more than once, cuz I don't want sloppy seconds.
25. "At least he died doing what he loved." ... "He loved commiting suicide."
26. When you're on the Internet, and you're holding the mouse, you have the world in the palm of your hand.
27. What happens in a peanut butter jelly sandwich, STAYS in a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
28. What happens in liquid concrete, stays in liquid concrete.
29. I say YOLO. Religious people say YOLT. You Only Live Twice!
30. This guy with a stutter insulted me, I was like, What are you tryin' to say?
31. Tightrope walkers have a lot on the line.
32. My dog licks her lips forever when I give her peanut butter, but glue works even better.
33. I always look best in the morning after a shower. Because the mirrors fogged up.
34. Crash into a girls car if you want her number. You'll have to trade contact information.
35. I wear a pedometer to bed. I sleepwalk, I just want to know how much.
36. People use tennis rackets as snowshoes, and put tennis balls on the bottoms of walkers. Why are we walking all over tennis!
37. Laughter is the 37th best medicine. So there are 36 better things you could be doing right now.
38. I saw an unfashionable casket and thought, "My god! I wouldn't be Caught dead in that thing."
39. I eat pussy but it's leftovers.
40. When I smoke weed, I get more stoned than a Muslim woman. I can't smoke too much though, because I'm afraid of heights.
41. The boss at Fed-Ex is the alpha-mail.
42. Would you rather fight the war on drugs, or fight the war, on drugs?
43. My friend came out of the closet and the teasing made him all depressed, and I was like Dude... Gay is a synonym for happy!
44. I have pretty good muscle control. Mostly cuz there's not much to control.
45. *The romantic janitor swept me off my feet.*
46. A side effect of marijuana is um.. ummm...
47. Leeches suck.
48. I heard someone say the N word and i got offended. I was like, "Dude, I'm black from the waist down."
49. so I decided to get into shape. but i accidentally chose a dodecahedron.
50. Someone told me turkey helps you sleep. so I bought one, but now it won't shut the fuck up.