Children's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."


"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10


"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5


"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
was just a lawn mower." Age 11


"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died." Age 13


"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense
of humor." Age 14


"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15


"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age
15


"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8


"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10


"Home is where the house is." Age 6


"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."
Age 15


"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there." Age 5


"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13


"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."
Age 6


"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?"" Age 15


"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?" Age 15


"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks." Age 15


"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be...until the looting started." Age 15