Birthday Gift


For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is
a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed
very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep
an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.


Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that
outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going
to be GREAT.


Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she
puts weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles
ALL feel GREAT.


Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my
chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.


Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to life dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.


Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to
work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to
accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to
blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?


Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of
the weather channel.


Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a
root canal.

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