Big Artie

There once was a Hitman named Big Artie.

Things were tough in the Underworld at thew time, what with the Financial Crisis lately and such, the market hasn't been kind to his business. Because of this, he decides that he needs to put down the prices - It's been months since he'd had a job and his family was struggling.

He takes the price down to $10 000 a hit to $5 000, but still no-one's coming through the door. He drops it to $1 000, then to $500, $100, $50, $20, $5 and still no-one comes in. In a final act of desperation he drops his price to $1.

This move pays off as the very next day a shady looking character walks into his office and asks if he's the guy offering "Services" for a buck. Once they clear up that he is indeed an assasin, not a pimp, the customer hands him a file on the target.

Artie follows his quarry around for a few days, before trying to stage a couple of "accidents" for him, all of which the man manages to obliviously foil. Artie is getting frustrated and is tailing him late one night and the man goes into a supermarket. Because it's late no-one is around, so he decides to do the deed there and then, in the fruit and veg aisle.

Like a lion stalking an antelope, Artie sneaks up behind the target and gets a hand over his mouth and and an arm around his neck and silently chokes him out. With his job done, Artie tries to hide the body under the shelves, but as he's doing that the only other customer in the store comes into the aisle, a little old lady, and before she can scream he has tackled her to the ground and is throttling her on the floor. Just after she's been dealt with the store manager, having heard some commotion, runs in and Artie is faced with no choice but to snuff him too. Not wanting to spend any more time in the store, he flees, satisfied with a job well done, even if it wasn't as quiet as he'd hoped.

Unbeknownst to our good friend Arthur, all of this was caught on the store's security tapes and he was promptly arrested. The next day the headlines read: "ARTIE CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT WOOLWORTHS"