Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:


Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.


TOY TEST:


Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).


GROCERY STORE TEST:


Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.


DRESSING TEST:


Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.


FEEDING TEST:


Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.


NIGHT TEST:


Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.


PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)


Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.


PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):


Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.


FINAL ASSIGNMENT:


Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.