An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he was out at the nearby HEB (big 24 hour grocery chain) one night at like 3am and he sees this drunk passed out on the ground. Just as he spots him, a cop does too, so he decides to help keep the guy out of the drunk tank for the night, because shit, he'd been there before.

So he scurries over just before the cop gets there, and explains that "Oh no no, he's fine, sir, I was just pulling the car around, I'm taking him straight home." He pulls the guy up to his feet and kind of half carries, half walks him over to his own truck. Leans him up against it so he can get his keys back out and WHAM, the guy just topples. He sighs and kind of pins him up against the truck with his shoulder til his fishes out his keys, then goes to toss him in the cabin, but as soon as he sets him down he just crumples and tips out onto the ground again. The cop's starting to walk over so he crams him back in again, holds him against the seat while he buckles him in, hops in the driver's seat and takes off.

After a few minutes he realizes he has no idea where the fuck he's heading, so he pulls into a gas station and tries to get the guy to give him some directions. All he can get out of him is a few gurgles and belches, but he realizes he's probably got some kind of ID, so he rummages through his pockets and finds a wallet in his jacket. The driver's license is expired, but it at least looks like him, so he plugs the listed address into his phone's GPS and starts heading back out.
It's way out in buttfuck nowhere, but he finally gets there and wakes the guy back up. He hops out of the truck and goes around the other side of the cabin to help him out. The guy kind of flops his hand around by the buckle, accomplishing nothing, then just gives him the most pathetic "Help please" look, so he reaches over him and pops the buckle. The drunk dude starts waving his arms in front of him like a zombie at a rave so he grabs his arms and pulls him out of the truck, and as soon as he lets go, BAM, on the floor. By this point it's like 4:30am, he wants to be done with this shit, so he yanks the guy up by the collar, pushes him against the truck so he can lock it up, and starts to drag him toward the door.

The guy's not even trying to walk by this point, he's just mumbling and giggling and belching, and the more he does it the more pissed off my friend gets. No good deed goes unpunished, the house is out in the country so the walk up to the door takes for-fucking-ever even if you're not hauling some stupid asshole drunk on bathtub vodka, and to make matters worse, every few feet he starts ranting and insisting that he can walk, and flopping around like an asshole til my friend would stand him up, let him go, then sure enough, WHAM. Face first onto the gravel. This happens a good four times before he gives up and just ignores him.

They finally reach the door, and he rings the bell. The guy's being a shithead again so he just lets his ass fall and this time he just lays there. Finally a little old lady answers the door and my friend explains where he found him, and that he's perfectly fine, just absolutely shithoused.

She thanks him profusely, then asks "But where's his wheelchair?"