Alien's Log Book

Sure, it seems easy beine a space alien. You've got your x-ray vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work the public doesn't get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from...


S P A C E A L I E N ' S L O G B O O K


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8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.


9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.


9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.


10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.


1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.


2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.


3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.


3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.


3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.


4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements.


6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.


9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.


10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.