A woman is in the hospital giving birth

With one last herculean squeeze she pushes the baby out. The doctor holds it up by its legs, smacks it gently on the bottom a few times, and pauses with a quizzical look on his face. He smacks the baby again a little harder, then harder, and then starts hitting it so hard the baby is flopping around wildly. "What are you doing? What's wrong with my baby?" the woman screams.

"Shut up," snaps the doctor. "I need to concentrate!" He tosses the baby onto a table, slices its throat open, and jams a huge plastic tube into the baby's throat. Then he starts pounding on the baby's chest with his fist. He stops and puts his ear to the baby's chest, listens quietly for a moment, then suddenly he yells, "OH my GOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD!"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" screams the woman.

"Shut up!" yells the doctor. "It's in enough pain without hearing its mother scream! Do you know how distressing that is?" He grabs a defibrillator, charges it up, and BZZT shocks the baby once, twice, three times. Then he starts jabbing huge needles into its arms and legs. "Oh, it must be in such pain!" he yells.

Suddenly the doctor stops and turns to the woman with a huge grin on his face. Then he starts laughing, harder and hard until tears are streaming down his face. "Oh, I had you! I really had you going!" he gasped. The woman stares at him uncomprehendingly but eventually starts laughing out of sheer nervous relief. "I just couldn't resist!" says the doctor. They laugh and laugh. Finally the doctor catches his breath and says, "Don't worry, I would never do that to a baby if it wasn't already dead."