A Republican meets St. Peter at the heaven's entrance.

A Republican senator, having just died, appears in Heaven, where he runs into St. Peter at the entrance.

The Republican is opening the gates, when Peter declares, "Not so fast..."

"I take it," Peter continues, "that nobody has explained the procedure to you yet..."

"What's the procedure?" asks the Republican.

"Everyone who has just made it to the afterlife," Peter continues, "has to spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, so that they can choose one for spending eternity."

"That's okay," the Republican replies. "I'll be fine just taking Heaven."

"I'm afraid," Peter interjects, "that I'm not allowed to skip the part about the first two days."

"Rules are rules," Peter explains.

"Rules?" the Republican asks, puzzled. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that..."

"Off to Hell you go," Peter declares before the Republican can finish, pulling a lever.

The Republican senator looks around and realizes that he is on an escalator going down.

"Oh, H-E-double hockey sticks..." the Republican mutters as the escalator reaches the bottom.

A set of double doors opens, and the senator walks through and sees that he's on a golf course.

The course is quite verdant and the air is crisp, and an elegant clubhouse lies in the distance.

Some men in fine evening wear rush out to greet him, and the Republican realizes that they are his friends from the Senate's Republican caucus, as well as some friends he had from the House of Representatives and the State Senate.

The senator joins them for their game, and then for a seven-course dinner including lobster and champagne.

The group is joined by the devil, a pale fellow in a flight jacket, with big ears and brown hair that is now mainly gray.

Everyone is very happy, and they laugh, joke, and tell stories about the old times, with all the kickbacks they took, the lies they told, and the stupid people they manipulated with fear and calls to nationalism.

As the night is drawing to a close, the Republican senator turns to the devil to address him.

"You know," states the Republican senator, "H-E-double hockey sticks is nothing like I thought it was going to be."

"And it's so weird that you're the devil," he continues, "and that you seem so much smarter down here."

"Always the one you least suspect, eh?" the devil asks.

"Well, actually..." the senator mutters but is cut off by the devil.

"I'm afraid that it's time for your day in Heaven, though," notes the devil, pulling a lever.

Again, the Republican is on an escalator, but going up.

"Oh, fudgesicles," the Republican mutters. "Why do I have to go to this Heaven place?"

Soon, he reaches St. Peter again, and goes through the double doors.

The Republican finds himself in a place with black marble floors and moving, color lights.

Some rock music is playing noticeably in the background, but the senator can't figure out the source.

"This is that stuff that's probably filled with the backwards lyrics about not sitting still and obeying," the Republican mutters to self.

Just then, he notices that he's being met by six females who each look about twenty-one, with gorgeous faces and thick, wavy hair, flat stomachs, tight butts, and long, thin legs, clad in revealing lingerie and high heels.

"What are these odd, sinful creatures?" the Republican muttered. "And why does one look like the players from that Negro League. Their kind isn't supposed to be allowed in..."

His musings were cut off by one of the girls, who said, "Hi, I hear you're new here. We try to give everyone a nice welcome, so you get all six of us. You want to go upstairs?"

"Why?" the Republican asked. "Is O'Reilly playing on a TV there?"

The girl giggled, then said, "No, we were going to play."

"Bingo?" the Republican inquired, excited. "Great, I'm a master at G52!"

"No," the girl responded, giggling again. "we had something better in mind. Actually, you can have me first, all three ways."

"Wait," the Republican responded, confused, "so we'll do regular Bingo, then corners, and postage stamp?"

The girl, now very amused, contined, "Actually, we can..." then leaned over and whispered in his ear.

The Republican yelped, and then ran into the bathroom, where he locked the door and crouched down by the toilet, in tears.

After an hour, he managed to crawl up, where he saw some dispensers on the wall.

"Why, these are those sin balloons," he noted, before picking up a bottle next to the sink and wondering, "and what is this odd, gooey substance?"

Eventually, the night passed, and he heard a knocking on the door.
"Are you okay in there?" called Peter. "Because it's time for you to make your decision..."

The Republican senator cautiously opened the door, and peered around to make sure the girls were gone.

"You've experienced a day in Heaven and a day in Hell," Peter noted. "So where would you like to spend eternity?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this after all I'd heard on Earth," the Republican replied, "but I much preferred the other place... you know, H-E-double hockey sticks. I'd like to go there."

"Sure thing, Republican," Peter responds while reaching for a lever, "go to Hell."

Before he knows it, the Republican senator is back on the escalator, heading down.

"Fine and dandy," notes the Republican as the double doors open.

He walks out and finds himself in a barren land, covered with garbage and with flames occasionally bursting from the ground.

His friends are in rags, picking up endless streams of trash and getting poked with pitchforks, as they move along a floor of hot coals.

The devil appears and the senator approaches him.

"I don't get it," cries the Republican. "Yesterday I played golf and drank champagne. My friends had fancy clothing and the land was picturesque.

This place looks painful, and everyone looks miserable.
What happened?"
.
.
.
Grinning, the devil replies, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."