A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.

Next Sunday, the priest decides to heed his suprior's advice. And indeed, after drinking with a full glass, he felt like he could speak in front of even thousands of people.

The next morning, he didn't remember that much from the previous day's events, but he was sure he wasn't nervous at all. When he got up, he noticed a letter from his superior on his nightstand. He opened it and started reading.

'Dear Brother,

1 - Next time, only have a few sips and don't down that drink at once.

2 - We don't put ice cubes and lime into the mass chalice.

3 - The Bible is not a coaster.

4 - The tablecloth on the altar is not a napkin.

5 - There are ten commandments, and not twelve.

6 - There were twelve disciples, and not ten.

7 - We don't refer to the cross as "that bigass T".

8 - We don't refer to Jesus and his disciples as "DJ JC and the Gang".

9 - David beat Goliath with a sling, he didn't "destroy that fucker's ass with a Magnum 357".

10 - It was the snake that was slithering on the apple tree, and not "God's dick".

11 - We don't refer to Judas as "that dickhead".

12 - The Pope is holy, he isn't "our mate" and we don't call him "the Godfather".

13 - We don't refer to "the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit" as "the Big Daddy, the Lil' Dude and the Crypt Fugitive".

14 - Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty silver coins at the Mount of Olives, and not for "two cents at the Chinese market".

And besides, sinners go to hell, and don't "piss off to party with our boy Satan".'

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