A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around for about an hour, he hears someone pssst. He turns but doesn't see anyone except a parrot with a sign that reads, "Intelligent Parrot with no legs. $2500.00".

The man walks over and asks, “Did you just call me?”

“Yes”. Says the parrot. “I see you walking around looking for a pet but it seems none meet your standards”. The parrot spoke eloquently. “May I recommend you purchase me?”

The man looks at the parrot and after a few moments of contemplation states. “I have some questions. Number one, it reads you are an intelligent parrot. How intelligent? Number two, would your intelligence justify the $2500.00 cost?”

The parrot seems to puff up and replies, “I am very intelligent. I have studied Philosophy, Psychology and Finance. I would be a great addition to your household and help you in many ways. In regards to the price, it appears that people are very short sighted and only notice I have no legs. With this being said, I have no doubt that the owners of this establishment would let me go for a song; no pun intended. Make an offer and I have no doubt they will accept.”

The man nods and asks, “Yeah, about that. How is that you are perched on that stick?”

The parrot sighs and answers, “I use my penis. I wrap it around the perch and tighten. Now please, for both our sakes, speak with the owners.” The man agrees.

After some negotiations, the man takes the parrot home. In no time, they become the best of friends. The parrot helps the man with his problems both mental and financial. The man’s wealth grows and all the while his friendship with the parrot grows as well. After a year of probably the best decision the man had ever made, he comes home one night from work and the parrot tells him they need to speak.

“It is very serious.” Said the parrot.

“What is it?” The man, very worried, sits before the parrot as he had never seen the parrot so melancholy.

“It is about your wife.” Says the parrot.

“What happened?” The man asks, his brow furrowed.

“This morning, after you left for work, the mailman knocked on the door.”

“Then what happened?” The man asks timidly.

“Your wife answered the door in a negligee.”

“Then what happened?” The man asks again, hesitantly.

“The mailman came in and they began to kiss passionately.”

“Then what happened?” The man asks again, his voice cracking.

“Your wife got on her knees and began to perform oral sex on the mailman.”

“Oh my God. Then what happened?” He asked with tears streaming down his face.

“Then the mailman got on his knees and began to give her oral sex.”

“I cant believe this. Then what happened?” He asked almost mechanically through clench teeth.

“Then the mailman stood up, tore her negligee off and threw her on the couch.”

“I can barely stand any more. Then what happened?” He pulled on his hair, the words from his best friend obviously tearing him inside.

“I don’t know.” Shrugs the parrot.

“What do you mean you don’t know. You were here. You were watching them.” The man flung the chair across the room. He stood before the parrot, spitting and shaking his fists. “How could you not know?”

“I got a hard on and fell of my perch. OK?”